Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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