if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
