My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
