Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We are all done wearing pants today
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
