Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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