dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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