she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
