JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
