maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
