I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
