yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
