First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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