He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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