Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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