: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
