Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
