Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just invented taco cereal.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
