what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
