I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
