i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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