Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have fence marks all over my body
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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