Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
