Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
