Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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