Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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