someone threw a dead crab at me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
