Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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