She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
that is very illegal...i love you.
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