the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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