omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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