i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
