Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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