I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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