if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
