I met the friendliest cop last night
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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