Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish you could order shots online.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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