remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
