he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
