You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
