I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
