the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
