I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
