they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
