I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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