I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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