It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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