I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
