he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
