Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
