Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
