YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
