Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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