u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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