I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
