my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
