Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
